The Scars Remain

September 23, 2008 at 6:23 am (art, culture, life, personal, scars, story, tattoos, transformation, writing) (, , , , , )

Noah has a lot of tattoos..below you will find the story of a Tattoo series. I so appreciated having the time to hear Noah’s story about what had happened during that transitional time in his life, and while this story just skims the surface of the actual experience, it was fulfilling to hear how Noah dealt with the pain of that situation. God speed (and more tattoo stories to come from Noah, so never fear).

“When my mom saw this she said, “But it’s going to be that way forever.”

And I said, “Yeah, it is.”

So it’s a human heart with stitches. It’s about what it’s like to be in a relationship and that come apart and why. It’s about my ex-wife and our experience; I got it very shortly after getting divorced. I actually tried to get it while we were still together, but I wasn’t ever able to get the timing right. I would have to cancel, or the tattoo artist would have to cancel. It wouldn’t happen until I was already separated, so clearly it was really about that. But at that point it was such a horrendous experience…without going into great detail…the experience of ending that relationship and getting a divorce really left me feeling like my heart had been chopped up.

Getting this tattoo was about healing, and is about healing. It’s also about the awareness that when you get injured really badly, emotionally or physically, the scars remain, but you will get better. But you will always have that experience be a part of you. As massive as it was, the stitches are there to show that it is healing, but that it will always be there.

So it’s not a bloody heart with knives coming out of it, but it’s also not a healthy heart. Another piece was that anyone I was going to have a relationship would have to see it…it’s kind of a bummer I guess for them. But it was going to be something that was going to come up, and it was never not going to be there.

The secondary response to it, was a tattoo I was planning to get while still married, but didn’t get till several years later, the Back Off Kitty Cat on the back of my neck. Again, I was interested in the visibility of tattoos, and so I liked that it was going to poke out of my shirt all of the time, and people would know, “Hey there’s a tattoo under there.”

This black cat with it’s back arched is the typical cat fair of saying, “Stay Away.” Which is something I felt like I had to do that to people for a while afterwards. So it could be cute, but it also had the meaning of, “Hey, I need some space.”

A few years ago…. I got this tattoo, and this was my tattoo to say, “It’s getting better.” I had gone through a emotionally turmochulous storm, but there is a shining star that is visible and is saying, “There is hope.” This is one, hopefully of many, that will appear in the night sky after the storm has gone. It’s funny because people don’t think this is real because it is so intentionally faded and soft. But I really like that the star is in the negative space. So that was my beacon of hope tattoo. Maybe there will be more in that series.

For me, tattoos are about recording history. People come and talk to me about getting tattoos and wonder what they are going to like forever. But it’s not about that. When it’s about recording history, you will have always been that person, you will have always remembered that time, and it’s just a reminder to do things differently or do things the same. So if you’re recording history, you’re never going to regret getting a tattoo.

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Identifying Marks

August 10, 2008 at 2:45 pm (culture, life, scars, story, transformation) (, , , , , , )

Greg is the first person to submit his own story in his own words. He is a talented poet, teacher, and senior editor of Blackbird. He also knows of the some of the best swimming holes to be found in Virginia!

“When I was a small boy I lived in the big city of St. Louis, not far from the shadows of the Anheuser Busch brewery where my father worked as an office boy, delivering mail and running errands. It was the 1950’s, my parents were young and poor, and we lived in a one-bedroom shotgun apartment on a street lined with tall, white-trunked sycamores, still one of my favorite trees. I slept on a small bed that was tucked into the area beneath the stairs leading up to the apartment on the second floor. Like Harry Potter, yeah—him with his famous scar.

One day when I was almost five years old (and pretending to be older), I was out playing with some of my scruffy friends—they were old enough to be in kindergarten and first grade—and we took our usual shortcut through a vacant lot down at the end of our block, a quick way to get to the back alley. Someone had been burning tree limbs and leaves there among the patchy grass and rocky dirt, and had piled it all right on the path that we always took at a run through that lot. That day we paused to look at the ashes and a few still-unburned limbs and logs that were lying there, grey and strange, poking around in them, not realizing that those ashes were concealing still-live embers of the fire. I was a curious and tough little boy, always getting into everything, always wearing out the seat of my pants playing and sliding around on the concrete and in the dirt. As I stood there looking at the ashes, the pants leg of my brand-new Sears Roebuck heavy-duty jeans, which I was wearing for the very first time, caught on fire. Later, my parents would carefully school me in the idea of dropping and rolling to put out such a fire, but at that time I didn’t know what else to do other than what I did, which was to run, screaming that I was on fire. Running with your clothes on fire—the worst thing you can do.

I’ll pause here to say that, even though I was unaware of it at that time, I was an adopted child, and this story may perhaps answer some questions some of you may have about that—or about what it means to be a mother. My mother, an attractive young blond-haired woman named Barbara, the woman who had adopted me, was in the kitchen, ironing in the summer heat with the back door open. When she heard my screams from nearly a block away, she tore out the back door, ran up some stairs to the back yard, leapt over the back fence and came running down the alley towards me. When she saw my pants leg on fire, she took hold of the jeans at my waist and in a single powerful motion she ripped those jeans right off my body and tossed them aside, like some sort of superhero. She grabbed me up in her arms and carried me up the street in my underwear, and both of us remembered later that one of the neighbor women was standing there looking over the back fence, clucking her tongue at a boy appearing in the alley in such a state of undress. My mother took me home and bandaged my badly burned leg, asking me the whole time, what did I think I was doing, walking through the live embers of a still-burning fire? Later, when she pulled the bandage away, it came off with a big chunk of flesh, shocking us both. That area on my leg still has no feeling whatsoever today.

Back in those days before DNA identification, an important way to identify criminals and missing persons (and lost boys) were “identifying marks”—and one of mine is that scar on my leg. If I’m ever in a plane crash or train wreck, that’s one way my body could be identified, and I used to think about that some times. Even now, when I run my fingers over the scar that has no feeling, now with both of my parents dead and gone, I think about all that it tells me about myself, and I’m glad to have it, a mark of identity.

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Forced To Fast For Peace

July 31, 2008 at 3:57 pm (art, culture, scars, story, tattoos) (, , , , , , )

I went to a potluck of old friends at Raasa’s farmhouse in Ashland, VA. I couldn’t help but pull out the camera and start asking for stories. This crowd had stories about scars. The following bit is Nathan Long’s stories. Odd, after knowing him for 5 years, and living with him, I never think of him as having so many scars.

Nathan is a talented writer (http://www.failbetter.com/28/LongDevil.php?sexnSrc=Latest), an extraordinary cook, and a lovely person to have around (unless you don’t like puns).

“My scar is from my first drinking story from when I was three months old. I had Pyloric Stenosis, and was projectile vomiting because my lower stomach muscle closed. The Dr.’s had to operate and cut out a section of my stomach. When the Dr. was finished, he handed me to my mother,

which was when she smelled scotch, and believed that he had been drinking. I guess he saw the worried expression on her face, and he said, “No no, I gave it to the baby. A small child can die from anesthesia, so I gave Nathan the scotch.” So that’s the first time I drank.

When I was 20, I saw someone with this same scar, and it was exciting to see that.

When I was twelve I had a bump under my nipple, and so I went to the Dr. to get it removed. He didn’t tell me how it was going to be removed, and I assumed that he was going to cut under the nipple, but he actually cut through it.

I was twelve, in the hospital, and when I pulled off the bandage, and my nipple was all bloody. And I was furious. When we back a few weeks later, the Dr. said oh, (referring to the numbness), you are going to hate me for the next six month, but then it will be over. And I remember thinking, “No. I am going to hate you for the rest of my life.” And I do.

And this is from my ruptured appendix.

It had been ruptured for over two weeks by the time I got to the hospital, I was swollen with infection. They operated, and there was a 50/50 chance of surviving. After the surgery my stomach continued to stay swollen. Even though I hadn’t eaten in three days, the nurses said, “As soon as you poop, we’ll give you food.” And I said, “But I’m not going to poop until you give me food.” And this went on for ten days. Since I knew that they weren’t going to give me food for a while, I thought, “Well, I am already fasting; I might as well fast for a purpose,” and put a sign above my bed that said, “Fasting For Peace.”

Oh and this scar is from a bad novel! (He is referencing the scar beneath his belly button). When I was in the hospital someone brought in the results from the contest for the first sentence for the worst story in the world (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/). It was the first spring at the nuclear winter, we knew because the lawn had just eaten it’s first robin. I was on Demerol, and I started laughing and laughing, until my side split open.

I like scars; I’m glad that they resist (but I could do without the one below my belly button).”

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In The Beginning

July 2, 2008 at 5:18 am (art, culture) (, , , , , )

I suppose everyone has to make their very very first blog post. And this is mine. I was inspired to create a blog because I wanted a place to capture and share stories about the tattoos and scars that have had made us, defined us, led us, hid us, premiered us, and screwed us. The stories posted on this blog will be considered for a book I am editing called “Scratching the Surface”. The hope for this blog is that it will be a place where people go beneath the surface of these markings and symbols and tell the stories of how our scars and tattoos that just scratch the surface, have an entire world of meaning, symbolism, lessons, regrets, beliefs, celebration, rites of passage rituals…and more. So please….join me!

I ask that you include three things in your posting:

1) A short story about why you got your tattoo, how you got your scar

2) A picture of your scar or tattoo from your own perspective

3) A picture of your scar or tattoo from someone else’s perspective

ok! I am off to get my underwater camera so I can take a picture of my tattoo!

You can submit your stories and photos to leahlamb@gmail.com

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